Harder Lessons, Deeper Love

It's been awhile since I posted something. School and life just consume me and my time. I've had too much fun goofing off with Maggie to find/write meaningful things.
That said, the past month has been incredibly difficult. Full of struggles and confusion, weariness and heavy boots (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close reference. Go read it. Now.).
I am still doubting and questioning. But so much of my doubt these days is directed at myself.
I am constantly asking whether or not I am good enough. For Davidson. For my family. For my friends. For anyone to love.
It consumes me. And I become fearful and anxious.
In the midst of a lot of turmoil this week (the details of which I will spare you), my heart was wrung and broken and frustrated and angry and so many different things. Old wounds and new wounds, opened and torn, exposed and ugly, hurting and bleeding.
I told a friend that these wounds never really seem to heal.
I probably sound really dramatic right now (which I am), but this is my heart, and it's the best way I know how to describe what I feel.
In times like this when I am so vulnerable and am just aching for some reassurance of hope and love, I am so hesitant to run toward Christ.
What is that about?
I won't ever understand it, except to say that my broken and sinful heart is untrusting and unfaithful. I cling to the hope that I will be good enough to fix things.
Tonight I grieved over my inadequacy, and that before everyone, and especially before God I will never be good enough.
And yet--as inadequate as I am--He loves me.
Purely. Simply. Completely. Perfectly. He knows I cannot return this love. Not in this life. But He loves me anyway. Beyond my comprehension.
And in Christ, I am made perfect. My inadequacy, my shortcomings are no longer a thought because He makes me righteous.
How quickly I forget these truths. I actually run away from them. But like the perfect Father, Husband, and Spirit that He is, God pursues me. I know that He loves me as a Father--I am a beautiful daughter, one whom He created lovingly. I know He loves me as a husband should--I am part of the beautiful body of Christ, His bride. And I know that His Spirit, that Being which knows God's innermost thoughts, loves me and interceded for me tonight when I could not move my heart to pray. He spoke to me in my weakness and reminded me of the immeasurable, unrestrained grace and love of God. A dear friend reminded me tonight (praise God for faithful friends!) that "the love of God is stronger." He is stronger than my weakness, His grace is sufficient in my weakness, and His love preserves me.
So humbled and grateful.

"As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me;
Your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!"
--Psalm 40:11

The Spirit

"For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God."
--1 Corinthians 2:11-12

I rediscovered this passage on Friday, and it blew me away. The past month or so I have been reminded that my God is three persons--the holy Trinity. I feel like I focus so much on God as my Father and Christ as my Savior, and I just sort of acknowledge that the Spirit is there, but don't really pay much attention to what He does or is doing.
Praise God for grace and that He reveals himself to us.
I am seeing the Spirit work in so many ways in my life and in others. I am seeing people lead Spirit-filled lives. Every sermon at church has talked about the Spirit and His work in us, His presence in us.
So when I reread these verses in 1 Corinthians, the Spirit had already prepared my heart. I was so encouraged. Who knows a person's thoughts and heart but his own spirit? So God's spirit knows all of his thoughts, his whole heart. And God graciously, mercifully, lovingly gives us His Spirit--the One who knows Him best. He gives us the Spirit, and He lives in us, revealing the Father's heart to us.
What a glorious gift! And I know that is just the surface of the power of the Spirit.
Grateful to be learning.

"Terrible and Beautiful"

“‘Who are you?’ asked Shasta. ‘Myself,’ said the Voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again ‘Myself,’ loud and clear and gay: and then the third time ‘Myself,’ whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all round you as if the leaves rustled with it.
Shasta was no longer afraid that the Voice belonged to something that would eat him, nor that it was the voice of a ghost. But a new and different sort of trembling came over him. Yet he felt glad too.
The mist was turning from black to gray and from gray to white. This must have begun to happen some time ago, but while he had been talking to the Thing he had not been noticing anything else. Now, the whiteness around him became a shining whiteness; his eyes began to blink.
Somewhere ahead he could hear birds singing. He knew the night was over at last. He could see the mane and ears and head of his horse quite easily now. A golden light fell on them from the left. He thought it was the sun.
He turned and saw, pacing beside him, taller than the horse, a Lion. The horse did not seem to be afraid of it or else could not see it. It was from the Lion that the light came. No one ever saw anything more terrible or beautiful.
Luckily Shasta had lived all his life too far south in Calormen to have heard the tales that were whispered in Tashbaan about a dreadful Narnian demon that appeared in the form of a lion.
And of course he knew none of the true stories about Aslan, the great Lion, the son of the Emperor-over-the-sea, the King above all High Kings in Narnia.
But after one glance at the Lion’s face he slipped out of the saddle and fell at its feet. He couldn’t say anything but then he didn’t want to say anything, and he knew he needn’t say anything. The High King above all kings stooped toward him.
Its mane, and some strange and solemn perfume that hung about the mane, was all round him. It touched his forehead with its tongue. He lifted his face and their eyes met.
Then instantly the pale brightness of the mist and the fiery brightness of the Lion rolled themselves together into a swirling glory and gathered themselves up and disappeared.
He was alone with the horse on a grassy hillside under a blue sky. And there were birds singing.”
–C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy in The Chronicles of Narnia (New York: HarperCollins, 1954/1994), 281-282.


Thanks, Nick Roark for this post.
We serve an awesome God.

Confession

The church I've been going to here always has a confession of sin that we read together as a congregation.  I've really valued this in my experience at this church--I cannot hide my sins from those around me. They cannot hide their sins from me. We confess publicly; we confess together. And after we confess, we read an assurance of pardon--we have abundant grace and the constant promise of forgiveness from Christ. It is such an encouragement, and I love that I am able to go through this process of confession and assurance with my congregation.
This was the confession from last week. The Lord used it to convict me of what I've been struggling with lately:

"Heavenly Father, we lack faith. Our faith in your will drifts.

We doubt the perfection of your plan for the world and for our lives. We grow skeptical of the goodness of your will. We struggle to believe you truly have a good purpose, [working through] every evil thing that has happened, or ever will.

Holy Spirit, we lack faith. Our faith in your power wanes.

We doubt your ability to make real change in the world and in our lives. We grow skeptical of your ability to work miraculously. We struggle to believe you can penetrate the hearts of our lost friends and family.

Christ Jesus, we lack faith. Our faith in your grace fades.

We doubt the scope of your redemptive work in the world and in our lives. We grow skeptical of your real and present intercession on our behalf. We struggle to believe that you will return for us.

Forgive us, God, for we lack faith."

I would emphasize that I doubt God's goodness. Constantly. As I consider the struggles of my life, the struggles of the people I have met around the world, God's goodness, His perfect love become less and less real. Less tangible, less true. I wonder if I am placing my faith in empty words and promises. I desire to simply run, to hide, to cling to my efforts to be something and do good things.

I lack faith. I am faithless.

But I was so encouraged by the assurance of pardon. It comes from part of 2 Timothy 2:13. Normally, I'm not a fan of pulling parts of verses out of context, but there is so much truth in this statement:

"Even if we are faithless, He remains faithful."

God is constantly pursuing my doubting heart, running after me, even as I run away from Him. He waits patiently, even when I am impatient with Him. He loves even when I do not love him. He loves perfectly, as my Father, my Savior, my Rock, the Founder, the Perfecter of my faith. A sweet friend has been encouraging me that He will be faithful to complete the good work that he began in my life (Philippians 1:6).

I am grateful for this today.
Praying for grace to be continually thankful and to remember God's constant goodness and love toward me.

Children of God

I love Third Day. Classic stuff.
Grateful for this truth today.

Bosom Friends & College Adventures

So.

College.
Here we go.
It is so strange to think that I have been at college for over two months now. I am now two decades old, a freshman....I'm pretty much out of the house. It's just bizarre. (Don't worry, Mom. I know I'm not really out of the house yet.)
The Lord has been faithful in so many ways, but the main demonstration of his grace has been in my dear friend, Maggie. I creepily (but not so creepily) messaged Maggie this summer because I discovered that not only was she on my hall, she was a believer! We chatted about finding a church and a campus ministry to get involved in and found that we had a lot of similar interests. We got to school and started spending time together. And in Maggie the Lord has graciously blessed me with a friend for life. We are kind of the same person--similar interests, quirks, thoughts, hopes, struggles, and joys. It's a little creepy how alike we are sometimes....

I have been so fortunate to have Maggie as an encouragement in my faith as she seeks to love the Lord more. A phrase we've both found so important in these couple months here is "by grace"--we have realized how every good thing is from God's grace: our friendship, life, the ability to appreciate small things, our salvation, the love we have for people and each other...
We are so dependent on God's grace.
Backtracking a little: Maggie is incredibly talented in so many ways (Check out her photography site: http://maggiecaltonphotography.com/. She is amazing!). She is creative and original and she sees things in ways that just amaze me. She has always wanted a tattoo--something I've thought of for years, but never really thought would happen, cuz I just wasn't brave enough.
Anyway from the start of the school year we have talked about tattoos. Over fall break, I was inspired with a bunch of ideas while I was home--one that was really prominent was the phrase "by grace." I told Maggie and she said she had been thinking of the same thing. So. Last week we went to NODA (our favorite area in Charlotte) to Fu's Custom Tattoos and got our tattoos!
Now. Before you all freak out--know that I did NOT get a tattoo because of Maggie. These tattoos each mean something to us individually of course. But it made it that much sweeter to get this tattoo with a friend whose friendship has so amply demonstrated God's grace to me. So here's a picture of the tattoo:

Photo cred: Maggie Calton

So I've enjoyed taking random adventures with Maggie around Charlotte and the area surrounding Davidson. She likes driving as much as I do and just exploring random things. So we have a grand old time together. We are trying to discover all the cool things about each exit. NODA is probably our favorite place so far--there are tons of fun restaurants and cool little stores. So far we've been to Amelie's (an amazing 24 hour French bakery--eclectic, delicious, fun hipster-watching place), the Crepe Cellar, Cabo Fish Taco, and....I think that's it for food. We went to a fun concert at The Evening Muse, and the church we've been going to, Christ Central Church is right down the street from all these places.

So. If you're ever wanting to explore Charlotte, NODA is a fun place to start. Good food, cool people, fun place.

Maggie and I love to just do foolish things around campus as well. I'm interested to know what people wonder about us as we wander loudly around campus cracking ourselves up. We go to Toast and Summit Coffee and the cute little Main Street shop with the funky hats.

Basically we're ridiculous, and I love it. I am getting to know the area, myself, and lots of different people on campus, and it's been great.

I am blessed to be here.

God is good.

Pictures of college adventures/shenanigans to come soon.

A Blessing

I've been a terrible blogger, for those few of you who read this thang.

At the start of the school year, and even throughout the summer, I was able to be a resource for the students going on this year's Global Gap Year (GGY) with Thinking Beyond Borders. There are two GGY groups this year as well as a Gap Semester group in Ecuador, which is so exciting! More driven and bright students who want to learn about creating change on a local and global scale. Anyway, some students emailed me with questions and concerns, and I attempted to allay those concerns and answer their questions from my experience with TBB. It was such a neat thing, reflecting on my journey and really beginning to understand the gravity of what we did.

I did a huge thing.

I took a trip around the world! For eight months! It's amazing how quickly I make that seem like no big deal.

But anyway, I keep receiving emails and updates from Robin, and my TBB group has a thread going on Facebook that's particularly active right now. I am just realizing what a rare community I am a part of: people who genuinely care, who work and think hard, not for themselves, but for the sake of others.

What a beautiful picture of God's grace and how we are created in His image! 

I am so blessed to have had this opportunity. And it just makes me more excited for whatever it is that I end up doing in life. The Lord has made it clear in the past few weeks that I can use my passions and talents as a way to give people a voice--to share their stories with the world in ways that will affect lasting change.

I don't really know the details surrounding that yet, but the Lord is gracious and he provides, so I'll figure it out eventually.

Basically, I'm just thrilled to be a part of something like TBB. That trip truly changed my life in so many ways. I think differently now, I question everything--but not in a maddening way. I question the way things are done because I am always wondering if there is a better way. And I find that I am more willing to take on a challenge; if I believe in something, I'll stop at nothing to get it done. That is all attributed, by God's grace, to Thinking Beyond Borders. TBB stretched me, pushed me, infuriated me, and ultimately allowed me to see exactly what it is I am capable of: anything I put my mind to.

So. I'm excited to say I've found some students here at Davidson who are like-minded; they believe in the power of youth creating change and of real, grassroots level work. We are beginning a youth-service initiative here in Davidson, and things are moving fairly quickly. I don't want to spoil anything, but once we really get things up and running, I will post something more in depth about that project.

(Get excited. It's gonna be awesome.)

Also. I'll be posting soon about college in general and the adventures I've had the past couple months.

Thanks for reading this long, rambling post. And I have to say thanks to Mrs. Dougherty, who found TBB for me and encouraged me to take a gap year--I would not be where I am without you! Thanks to Robin, Chris, Andrea, and my awesome PLs for your vision and everything you do to serve all the TBB students. Just know that I am so grateful to be a part of such a passionate and inspiring community.

Blessed.

Also. I was looking through pics from TBB. Here are some highlights:

 Me and Colin

 Ecuador host family and Alex

 Inca Trail budsss

 This was a random Indian family who wanted a picture with us at the Taj!

 The girls with Scott at the top of the cathedral in Quito. I miss them!

 First ride to Los Naranjos--in the back of the truck. Yes please.

 You know, just jumping on the Great Wall with the girls.

 Laughing at a fort in India. Love these girls.

 Looking ridiculous on the Inca Trail on Halloween. Raynie, I miss you!

Sweet friends. In freezing cold China.

Thanks for stopping by! :)

Life

"The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." --Ecclesiastes 12:13


Thank God for friends who can understand me, affirm me, and encourage me to love Christ through everything. I am blessed.

Reminder

Life has been weird lately.
I haven't exactly felt like myself for one reason or another, and I'm pretty complacent about it these days. I am kind of okay with this fading into the background of life, this feeling of apathy.
It's a sort of numbness, to be honest.
And then God, using my friend Alex, who by the way is not a believer, wakes me up.
He does it subtly. He hasn't yelled at me through Alex. He has just said, "Hey. Remember me? I made you. I have loved you. I died for you. And I have redeemed you.
Remember me."

I don't usually like talking about God in such conversational ways or putting words like that in his mouth, because he is so much greater than just a "hey, remember me?" But something that he has graciously brought to my mind this summer is that I am his daughter. I am a part of God's family, adopted into his church, a co-heir with Christ. So while he is my Lord and King, completely sovereign, Creator of the world....he is also my Father. My friend. My strength and my refuge. My portion, deliverer.
But ultimately he's my Savior.
And oh how I need a Savior!

He is faithful and good.
What a beautiful life we have in Christ!

Lessons in Love

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
To love is to be vulnerable.”
—C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

My mom wrote this in my awesome journal recently (she made it before I left and had my friends and family write in it--something from someone for every day--Sept. 8th through April 29th!). When I came across it on the day she wrote it, I fully understood what C.S. Lewis meant and why my mom wrote it in my journal. This quote was so fitting for this entire year, especially from South Africa on.
I have met some truly amazing people this year, and I'm going to list all of them (mainly for my sake, so bear with me): Angelica, Carlos, Nayely, Andy, Shaxi host parents, Alek, Amit, Mohit, Marie, Sindiswa, Mandy, Dee, Katie, Shaneen, Angone, Shuerea, Lushea, Amonique, Ashelita, Angelique, Kattou, Susie, Francisca, Shanise, Lauren, Emily, Celeste, Deacon, Dino, Ryan, Eugene, Macwin, Nazim, Ricardo, Axhamile, Lucipo, Whitney, Anaschka, Imo, Analo, Yollo, Inga, Luciano, Victor, Abel, Aunt Letty, the sweet "thumbs-up" lady, Asenathe, Michael......not to mention my incredible TBB family--Alex, Mckinley, Kasha, Jon, Rayn, Connor, Mary, Rachel, Eirann, Lauren, Faith, Luisa, Maddie, Jessie, Lorena, Scott, Andrea, Robin....I think that's everyone but geez the list could go on!
I will have you know that I love, and I truly mean I love each person I listed. They are from all different countries and walks of life.
I'm having trouble articulating what I learned and what I want people to realize...
I think Lewis summed it up so well: love, and you'll likely be hurt. Your heart will be ripped, crushed, everything short of being destroyed.
I know this. We all do. It is becoming ever so clear to me this year, as I experience one heartbreak after another.
But at the same time, I've honestly realized that the most significant lesson I've learned over this year (I apologize if you think this sounds cheesy) is love.
To love is the most important calling I have in life.
What else could bring more glory to God than loving Christ above all and loving each and every human I encounter? What else could be more rewarding than sharing my heart, than giving to people? And what else could have more of an impact on me and those around me?
This is our calling. It's fairly explicit in the Scriptures that love is the highest command (Matt. 22:34-40). And Lewis' quote is not an original idea--Paul says as much in 1 Corinthians 13. And the gospel is love. In its purest form. And what a beautiful thing it is! Oh that we had a little more of that in the world!
And something I have been challenged with as a believer this year is having genuine love for people and allowing that true, deep, and Christ-given love to motivate my actions.
I believe that Christians often share the gospel out of obligation.
I know. I said it. It sounds awful. But stick with me here: I find myself thinking frequently that I should share the gospel with so-and-so. That I should be living a life of love toward people.
And that's true; I'm not wrong in thinking that. But I really don't think should  is good enough. Because when I should be doing something....well it becomes a matter of DOING something, and that is not the gospel.
I'm not entirely sure how clear this is turning out, but in the end I am trying to say to myself and to you, whoever you are:
Love. It will be difficult and exhausting. And your heart will be wounded; people will disappoint, betray, and hurt. But Christians and non-Christians alike--there is nothing more important, nor anything more beautiful than pouring out your life in love and service to those around you. That is the picture of the gospel. That is possibly more effective than any sermon, bible study, worship service, or mission trip.
Love. I can only pray that God will continue to give grace for my heart to be vulnerable, torn, beaten, and stripped bare. I would rather endure that pain (as Christ did out of his endless love for me) than anything else in the world because love is the greatest gift anyone could ever receive. And I can joyfully give thanks to God that I received the truest gift of love in Christ.
Praise the Lord.

Friendship is the Perfect Blendship

I'm home. In Raleigh (Rah-lie-juh, according to Rayn).
But first, let me back up a little. My mom, dad, and Josh all came up to Boston for graduation from TBB which was awesome. I am so grateful for each of them, and I'm glad they were able to come. But let me just tell you how blessed I am with amazing friends--Sarah Beth Moore, Kristin Martin, and Annetta Kinton all flew up to Boston to be with me during graduation weekend....WHAT! Kristin still had exams!! They are so incredible, and I'm really in awe of how fortunate I am to have them as friends. And the cool thing is, I know had other friends at home who would have come to Boston if they could--so THANK YOU for loving me enough to even consider that!

Here's the whole group--except Josh I guess. But even Todd Moore came out! He's awesome. We always enjoy time with Todd. :)

Sisterhood of the Tracelong Pants (long story haha) :)

Me and the J-Man (who is now OBSESSED with my dear friend Jon Rosenthal haha)

Anyway. So Boston was a fun weekend. It went by so fast, and I was so conflicted when it ended! Even now, I am torn: I was so relieved, from the moment I drove away with my family to the airport, but at the same time I miss my friends....SO much! And of course I am glad to be home--incredibly glad. Still, I find myself wishing I could go to the farmer's market with Rachel, Mary, and Honi. I wish I could make balloon animals with Eirann, and sing with Kasha and Mckinley. I want to snuggle with Rayn, listen to Rosie's impressions, and watch LOST with Connor. (I really have missed that!) I want to laugh with Luisa and talk with Maddie. I want to go to Monticello with Faith (aka TJ). I'd like to listen to Alex plan her entire life out. I want to reflect and deflect with Lorena, write with Jessie, and be sarcastic with Scott.

This is most of the group--(L to R) Alex, me, Rosie (Jon), Mckinley, Kasha, Rachel, Luisa, Connor, Rayn, Maddie. Silly friends. :)

With the boys!

Girl Band--Rach, me, Kasha (our awesome manager/agent/photographer), Mary, and Mckinley. We're SUPER talented. And gorgeous, of course.

Such awesome girls. I love them to pieces.

And these boys. Oh they are wonderful and I love them dearly. :)

I miss these things. And don't get me wrong--I am so grateful to be back with my friends here at home. The fellowship I am enjoying with the believers in my community is amazing, and I will not take it for granted. I am so blessed.
But after spending 8 months with these people, I obviously miss them. It is interesting to see how each person on my trip taught me something or several things. I love that the Lord uses all sorts of people, believers and non-believers alike, to teach us. It reminds me that we are all made in His image, all precious to Him, all loved by our Creator. We all feel and love and laugh and cry and yell. What a beautiful thing that we are all connected in that way--through the image of a perfect and loving God! He is so good.
So. Those are my feelings right now. I am in a place where processing what I learned isn't coming naturally to me. I'm going to have sit down and force myself to think about things. Typically, I'd write about those things, but today when I sat down to write about being home, this is what came out. I wrote about my friends. They are great people, and I know that they will change the world. I can't wait to hear all their names and use all the blackmail I have on them. :) I love and miss ya'll!
PS--Helloooo mah deauh. Veryyy tireddd todayyy. Sorrrryy mah deauh, I wish I could see you todayyy. Maybe we could listen to Whitney Houston, nay??? :)
I couldn't resist.
PSS--Thanks Cole Porter (and my mother) for the title idea.
PSSS--Jaron Moore, what was the last PS/PSS/PSSS you wrote??

Grace

Life in Plett has continued to be full and busy since my last post. We are looking at our last seminar on Monday as well as the last week of work. Only two more weeks here in Plett, and only three left in South Africa.

Time is flying.

I am finding as I work on my media project (a composition of personal writing pieces based on my thoughts and experiences here) that there is a lot for me to process here. A lot more than I anticipated after being here for a couple weeks. I don’t really know where to begin or what it is that I want to communicate about my time here.

I guess I’ll just put it simply: there is great need here. I saw greater poverty in India for sure, but I believe I see greater suffering here in South Africa. And that is what makes it so difficult. There is a need for better healthcare for everyone in the townships. People need treatment, and they need it to be easily accessible. That’s a difficult task for the tiny, understaffed clinics that are packed full of patients. There is a need for jobs—unemployment is a huge problem here. There just aren’t enough jobs.

It takes a lot out of you, working here. And I feel as though I don’t even have the difficult lot. Many of my friends see multiple HIV/AIDS patients every week. I only have one HIV patient who is 2 years old and whom we visit only once a month. While I am seeing suffering, I would say it is relatively less than what my friends are seeing each day.

And yet it is still difficult. I talked to a friend here who made me ask myself, “What if these were my friends and family struggling to get care?” For my aunt who had lymphoma, there would have been nothing the doctors could do. For my Granddaddy who gave up smoking, he would have died a long and even more painful death. My Granny, who suffered from Alzheimer’s would have wasted away without the same care that she received in the States.

It’s hard to think about, but that is the reality for these people.

Since Cambodia, and all throughout India, I asked myself, “Why? Why them, and not me, God?’ I could just as easily have been born in Kurland village, have several siblings, and a father who drinks away any money we have. So why wasn’t I? I could be a street kid in Jaipur begging for money every day. I could be a landmine victim in Cambodia who has to work in the rice paddies every day.

Why them and not me?

I’m not writing this to say that I have all the answers, because I most certainly do not. But I have come to realize that all I can do to answer or find peace in these questions is trust in and rely on God’s grace. It is by his grace that I discovered it was about his grace. In India I was seriously struggling with this issue. I sent an email to my mom who forwarded it to friends and family, and I shared my struggles. I was overwhelmed by responses from people who have asked the same questions and have continually found God faithful. I wept as I realized that God did not have to extend grace to me, but he did—praise God! And while I may not understand why I am so blessed in so many ways, I do know that God is always good and that his ways and plans are perfect.

So as difficult as it is to be confronted with suffering here, I am choosing to trust in my good and sovereign God. I was reminded yesterday that his grace is limitless. Unlike my ability to keep going through trials, God’s grace doesn’t only go “so far.” It abounds, it overflows, it is always there. And he will not cease to give us his grace.

I hope you are resting in the grace of Christ. It is a glorious place to be.

Oh and thank you to all of my friends and family who sent me those sweet responses when I was in India—God used them so much to calm my heart, and I am so grateful that I know each and every one of you. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to thank you, but I suppose it’s better late than never.

A Reminder

More than anything else could ever do, the gospel enables me to embrace my tribulations and thereby position myself to gain full benefit from them. For the gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves his gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realise that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realise instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ.
-Perspective in Trials, A Gospel Primer, Milton Vincent

The Inca Trail

*These are excerpts from my journal entries throughout the 4 days on the trail, and then one from AFTER the trail. These were my thoughts and feelings--don't judge me!* :)

The Climb, Day 1 Starting Out

WOW. That was hard. I am tried. So tried......I don't remember what time we actually started. But I know I've been up since 5:45.

I was at the back all day. My bag is too heavy. My back hurts and my legs feel like jelly. But wow. It is so......beautiful here. I can't capture it in words or pictures.

God's creation is so incredible.  It's what is keeping me going.

Tomorrow we hike 4.5 miles UP....It's Halloween tomorrow. And I'm gonna die. It's gonna be a very long day. But I'm trying to remember that this is the chance of a lifetime. So many people want to do this trek and I'm getting to.

I read Psalm 19 today: "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." (v.1) SO true......

[Just as a note of interest-the first day while I climbed, to distract me, I listened to the entire Sound of Music soundtrack, over and over. Thanks Sarah Beth for reminding me to "Climb every mountain".....it was a source of inspiration and encouragement! :) I love you!]

The Climb, Day 2--The Most Awful and Awesome Day of Life

I just experienced the most physically challenging day of my life. No joke. It was awful. So awful.

The first 30 minutes of the hike (which were NOTHING compared to the last bit before the pass), I really didn't think I could make it. Seriously. I knew it wasn't the hardest part, and I was just so tired. I was on the verge of just breaking down and sobbing (Scott would have LOVED that); tears were literally in my eyes and it was all I could do to keep them from streaming down my face.

I was having this internal battle--I kept thinking there was no way I could do it and I HAD to stop. But then I kept telling myself that I HAD to keep going--I couldn't quit. I started feeling better when we (Kasha, Mckinley, Scott and I--the A-Team, that is) stopped and talked to some people. But it only got more intense and grueling throughout the day. Even coming down the mountain was hard.

Here's where I tell you it was all worth it though. I mean don't get me wrong---I really REALLY do not like hiking. It's just not my thing. But there were moments today that I enjoyed SO much: we made friends on the trail (2 of them were Brazilian, and we beat them to the top....)

[note-Mckinley has a very amusing story about them:)]

hahahaha.....Mckinley fell over in her pack......the incredibly ancient "mountain god" stopped us on the way down and played us the harmonica (badly...SOOOOOO badly.)....

There were so may moments when I thought I couldn't go any further. I honestly don't know how I made it. I owe so much to Socrates (our main guide), who switched packs with me (us 3 girls switched with the 3 guides--they're amazing), and to Scott. He was such an encouragement, and stuck with us pretty much the whole way. Scott could have been the first to the top. But no matter how much we complained, he was always positive. So thanks Scott! And the four of us had so much fun together despite how intense it was (for us girls at leastl!).

A really good thing about going slow was that I really took in all the scenery. There were moments where I just stopped and looked (and then I took some pictures MOM. :) No worries!) But seriously. God's creation is just incredible--He is so gracious to have made something so beautiful....

I'm definitely going to (I already DO I guess) have a love-hate relationship with the Inca Trail.

[Another note of interest--on this day, I listened to Daniel Renstrom.....ALL DAY. I listened mainly to his first album, Vaunted Pleasures with the H2O band from Providence, and then to his newest DC, On the Incarnation, which is probably my favorite of his so far. It's technically a Christmas album, but it encouraged me to meditate on Christ, the gospel, and the glorious news of the incarnation. So THANKS Daniel for allowing God to use you and your gifts to encourage and further the gospel! Now if you haven't heard Daniel or his music, GO LISTEN NOW. IT will be worth every second of your time. :)]

The Climb, Day 3--The Long Day Down

Today wasn't so much difficult as LONG. We hiked the most today...I don't remember the mileage...it was a lot. At first it was up and it was cloudy the better half of the day. I got some cool pictures I think, but I wish it had cleared up. I stuck with Mckinley pretty much of that day--she felt sick, so we stopped some. We saw a few Incan ruins: Runkuraqay, Sayaqmarka, and Phuyupatamarka. They were pretty amazing, built so high in the mountains. After lunch I felt really sick, like I had to throw up. I think I just ate too much or something, I dunno. So after lunch was hard for me. We got up to the pass (the 3 of us weren't last-YAY!) and from there it was downhill. A lot of it was steep--our feet hurt SO bad. I rolled my ankles so much today....

Tonight I looked at the "chascas"---the stars (Chascas is the Incan name for stars AND the name of our group!) They are gorgeous. It made this whole day worth it. Then I thought of Psalm 19 again and some other Scriptures....I ended up looking at God's promise to Abraham though, and I thought of how Abraham, on a clear night, would have seen SO many stars. So when God promised him a multitude of offspring--more than the stars--he must have been blown away.

Praise God that he fulfills his promises!

[Note of interest--my iPod was dead today. Sadly. But Alex kindly let me use her solar charger, so I had it for the next day! Thanks Alex!]

The Climb, Day 4--Praying up to Machu Picchu

Well, I did it.

I successfully finished and climbed the Inca Trail....I survived! I just told Mckinley that that's something I never would have made myself do. And it was SO hard. Like wow. I am beyond exhausted, and my patience is definitely at the limit. But what an amazing experience--and a huge accomplishment for me!!

[For those of you who don't know, my mom was thoughtful enough to make a journal for me before I left--she gave it to some of my closest friends and family who all wrote in it. It has something written for every day until April 29th (except for March and April 8th...so weird. only those two days. I don't understand.) {ed. added--her Mom is typing this for her in blogger, and she (mom) didn't realize that two days were left blank, or she would have made sure something was written there---and she apologizes profusely}.

Anyway, it's been so awesome to have, and I read it every day, day by day (by day....by day by day....), and it's a huge source of comfort for me. And laugther. it's quite hilarious. ANYWAY.]

In my journal, today, mom had reminded me to pray for certain things--friends, family, my new friends--as I climbed.

And so I did! I prayed for my old friends, for my family....for my new friends, for my host families...that God would give me grace to be faithful on this trip....It was a sweet thing--thanks Mom for encouraging me to do that!

After we finished the tour of Machu Picchu (which is incredible, by the way), we had about an hour to explore. I was with Rosi, who wanted to go up to the very top, the highest point that looks out over Machu Picchu. So I started climbing (AGAIN) with him, and pretty close to the top, I saw a secluded spot....I can't really describe it, and don't have any pictures of it. But I just sat there, by myself for about 30 minutes. I prayed, but mostly I looked at the beauty around me, trying to take it all in. I listened to some Keith and Kristyn Getty songs as well as Daniel Renstrom again. It was a beautiful moment for me, and one that I'll remember when I think of Machu Picchu.

I have several pictures of the Inca Trail, but haven't been able to load them onto a computer yet. When I get the chance, I will, and then I'll load them to my new picture site:
idratherbetraveling2.shutterfly.com. About half my Ecuador pictures are up, so check it out!

A Summation of Ecuador

***I wrote parts of this on the 19^th of October in Los Naranjos. We arrived in Quito yesterday, the 25^th. So it’s a hodge podge of writing from the 19^th and today (the 26^th). Just some context!***

“I need to get some chocolate. I need a hot shower. I need to finish this reading. I need some quiet. I need you to leave me alone. I need a moment.

I need to get out of here.”

Need, need, need.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I need versus what I want. AND what I should or shouldn’t want. It’s just kind of something you’re forced to think of in a place like Los Naranjos. Those people have to think of that all the time.

Tonight we had a fiesta. We were celebrating my little sister, Nayely’s birthday—she turned 8! I honestly didn’t know what to expect when I started decorating the house with streamers and balloons.

What I got though was a night of pure joy!

We ate, danced, sang, and laughed SO much. It was, for me, a beautiful display of family and love—something I am missing dearly!

God has been so gracious ever since I arrived in Ecuador—through my roommate, through different conversatons with people. Through my host family and finding out that my host mom believes in God. Through what He has revealed in His Word to me. I feel as though I have learned so much already.

But in thinking about what I need versus what I want, I have realized that all I really need or should want is Christ. I finished 2 Corinthians yesterday (I’ve now read through 1 & 2 Corinthians), and I loved reading the familiar passage that says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me,” as well as, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal,” AND, “ Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come! All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

Throughout various situations and conversations here, I have praised God that he chose to reveal himself and the gospel to me. I am a new creation, reconciled to the perfect God of the universe, the God whose grace gives me strength in my weakness. I am seen as righteous, and I am being prepared for an eternal weight of glory beyond comparison.

What more should I need or want than that? What more should any of us need or want when we have a Savior that loves us that much?

So I have a lot to be grateful for. Thank you to everyone at home who has been so faithful to pray for me and encourage me. Today I have been acutely aware of just how much I miss being at home. So thank you for every comment, like, Facebook post, email, or message—they mean so much and I LOVE getting them! I’m really sorry if I don’t respond—please don’t be offended, I just have limited time and internet!

Also, a special thanks to Mrs. Edwards’ 4^th grade class for my birthday letters—they each wrote me one, and my friends here were so jealous when I got…what 20 something letters? They thought it was adorable, and I loved them!

So to sum up Ecuador I’ll make a list of praises:

-that even though this was the country I was most nervous about, I MADE IT, and I not only made it, I loved it so much

-that God gave me several opportunities to share

-that my roomie Alex and I got along so well and that I learned a lot from rooming with her

-that my time in Los Naranjos made me more grateful

-that I am treasuring the gospel more than ever before

-that I dearly loved my host family

-that my host mom believes in God

-that my birthday was amazing!!

-that I’ve grown closer with everyone here

-that the church wasn’t actually closed last week and I got to go for about 30 minutes before I had to leave! (I didn’t understand any of the Spanish except when the pastor said “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever” and then everyone said “Amen!” It was like being back at home! J)

-that God gave me grace to keep an open mind about the issue of the environment and that I have learned a lot in this section

-that I am relying more every day on Christ as my Savior and comforter.

I could go on and on—like I said I have a lot to be grateful for!
But there are some things I’d love for ya’ll to pray for:

-that the gospel would be revealed and become very real to my host mom and family. They have a couple very old Bibles, as well as the one that I gave them, and the Jesus film. Please pray that God would use something to pierce their hearts with the truth of God’s grace.

-that God would protect our health—we’ve had a lot of issues in the past couple weeks (some parasites, weight loss, and general sickness). Just pray that we would be wise about taking care of our bodies.

-that we would become closer as a group—that our relationships with each other would grow deeper.

-that our group would take what we learned in Ecuador about the environment and think about some serious, practical ways to change our lifestyles to be more environmentally friendly. Or that we would be able to think of ways to educate others on environmental issues.

-please begin praying for my Chinese host families (as of now I have two—one for Kunming and one in Shaxi). The language barrier could prove to be a struggle, even with the Chinese lessons we’re taking (by the time we’re done, I’ll have had 20 days worth of intensive Chinese classes! We’re taking them every weekday morning in Kunming.). So pray that God would provide a way to share with them, and that they would receive the gospel well.

-lastly, please pray for me! The Climb, as I like to call it, (aka the Inca Trail) is coming up! We start on Saturday, and most of you know that that is what I’m most nervous about at this point. Pray that I would have a positive attitude and the strength to climb—that the altitude wouldn’t give me too much trouble! And that I would just enjoy every minute of that experience.

Again, I am so grateful for all of you, and that I can share this experience with you. I am really missing everyone today (I started crying this morning). But I am having a fantastic time, and I am so excited to see how God uses the rest of this experience in my life. Praise God for His glorious gospel!

Los Naranjos!

Well. Here I am in Banos, Ecuador. It’s a cute little tourist town in the mountains—very cold, and today it’s very wet. Awesome. No, it’s pretty great! It’s our Independent Student Travel (IST) weekend, and we all heard great things about Banos, so everyone’s here except for 5 people from our group (including leaders!).

We’re all in different hotels though, and I’m at a hotel with Kasha, Mckinley, and Jon. We’re going to walk around town some and then get a massage later (at least the girls are). Because I’ve been planting trees for 3 weeks, and I can!

So it’s been what? Two weeks since Bahia? They have flown by! I am enjoying Los Naranjos more every day—from the bugs tearing my feet to bits (I’ve been rockin the socks and flops look to keep them safe) to taking TONS of pictures with my host siblings to staying up late watching Mexican soap operas (so dramatic. Really quality TV there.) (Oh and late being like…9:30 or 10 haha)…I really love it here. Mainly because I absolutely love my host family. My kids (I call them my kids, haha—my host siblings!) give me hugs every time I come home from anywhere. They love to take pictures and draw things and show them to me. Andy is 3 and can be rather annoying at times (praise God that I had “practice” with Joshua!!), but then he comes up to you and gives you a HUGE hug and won’t let go. Nayely loves to sit with me and just watch me read or write. She holds my hand when we walk and asks questions (in very fast Spanish!). My mom is so sweet. She does everything around the house. She laughs really loud (makes me miss you a lot Mom!) and laughs at EVERYTHING. She’s fantastic. My dad is really nice—he’s pretty quiet though. But our family has a great sense of humor, so we laugh a lot together.

A typical day for me in Los Naranjos:
Wake up at least 3 times at night. Two potential reasons: Alex is rolling into me or the rooster decides to hate us and wake us up at 3:30. Stupid rooster. I wake up at 6 to my mom working—making coffee, cleaning and such. At 6:30 my sister is usually up watching TV (SO different from Caitlin—never mind the age difference!). I’m usually up at about 10 til 7 so that I can have my face washed by the time breakfast is ready. Usually that’s at 7. We walk 30 minutes to work (unless by God’s grace, we meet at our house—favorite days!). Then we meet up with everyone and get to work late—not just Ecuadorian time, but Tsa’chilan time.We usually work til 11:30 or 12 (it’s been ending earlier). We’ve gotten much more efficient with the way we do things? Then we head home, shower, eat lunch, cram in seminar reading, and at 2:30 we walk back to the Cultural Center for seminar. I usually go home right after, journal, hang out with the kids, eat dinner, and hang out some more, watching TV and stuff. Then bed time!

I’m learning so much here. The seminars have been really challenging for me—it’s just interesting seeing how responsible I am for adding to environmental destruction…just through the clothes and things I buy. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to change my lifestyle when I come back…and it’s hard.

But God is also just teaching me so much. I have been really struggling with the lack of fellowship—I miss the Church!! And it’s honestly been quite exhausting and very difficult. I mean everyone here is so awesome, and I love them, but it’s just hard not being at church. But by God’s grace, the lack of fellowship has made me read and study more Scripture and meditate on the gospel. I’m reading 2 Corinthians now and it’s just so encouraging. I’m going to try to memorize chapter 4. It will take a while, but I’m super excited about it.

I’ve had a lot of opportunity here among my friends, which I am so grateful for. Keep praying for everyone here—we’re tired! Emotionally, physically, mentally…
But it’s so awesome to see how faithful and gracious God is to me daily.
I need to go, but thanks again for all the prayers—ya’ll are the best, and I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am to have friends like you!
Much love—and read 2 Corinthians 4 sometime this week.

(ps--mom posted this for Hannah and took the liberty to put in the two pictures---they are from Jess Elisberg's facebook page. Hannah still hasn't been able to upload photos---These are pictures where they are planting trees....obviously!)

Hardcore Jungle Trekkers!

NOTE--This post is incredibly long. I just kind of wrote a bunch of thoughts. I hope you enjoy it (and please just comment something, I love hearing from people!), but I apologize for the length!


Hey everyone! I am writing from the small town of Bahia de Caraquez. We arrived here at about 6pm—by the way, I am safe. If you heard about the riots in Quito, we were far away from them. So Mom, DON’T WORRY! ☺
Wow. So let’s see. We were in Los Naranjos for almost a week. We arrived there last Friday, and we pretty much immediately went to our host families.
Gosh, it’s hard to sum up everything I’ve experienced in the past week.
I’m rooming with Alex, the baby of our group. ☺ She’s 16 and from California. We’ve been having a lot of fun together. We’re living with Carlos and Anjelica—they are pretty much the sweetest couple. They are so great and generous to me and Alex. We have two host siblings: Nayely (or Michelle….but she introduced herself as Nayely), who’s 7, and Andy, who’s like…4. They are adorable, and I’m kind of obsessed with them.
It’s really difficult for me to process all that’s happened. Already, I know!
We started planting trees on Monday. It’s really hard work. They are literally cutting paths for us with a machete so that we can plant the trees. We’re planting along three different rivers. This week we planted probably 1000 trees….only 7000 to go! ☺ I’ve gotten tons of bug bites—ants, sand fleas, you name it, I probably have it. (Yes Mom, I’m taking my malaria meds.) So yeah, the work here is hard, but it’s good.
And just FYI—you know how I’ve been nervous about Machu Picchu? Well no worries—Alex and I (along with Connor and Eirann who live 5 minutes from us), have figured that we walk at least 10 miles a day. Up and down hills! At this point, Alex, Connor, Eirann, and I live the farthest from everything. As we work down rivers and stuff, we’re hoping we’ll get closer to home.
So Machu Picchu, here I come!
Our seminars have been interesting so far. We’re studying the environment and natural resources, so we’re looking at what it means to conserve the environment and be environmentally responsible, all while considering basic human needs and energy needs…Personally, it’s been really challenging (Hahaha Ty, I miss you!). Being environmentally responsible for me usually means giving up a lot of creature comforts. Or at least feeling guilty for the things I have that are environmentally destructive. I dunno. It’s something I am struggling with, and I’m interested to see how my mind changes over the next three weeks. I’m realizing that I am stubborn on this issue and I don’t want to change my mind. So I’m praying that I’ll be open to new ideas and ways of living. (For those of you who are concerned, NO, I am not becoming a vegetarian, haha.)
I’m really enjoying myself though. I think Alex and I are really blessed with our host family. We are having a great time with them. My host mom is so adorable. She laughs a lot, and I’ve actually had a conversation with her by myself! I can understand a lot more Spanish than I can speak. But yeah, Anjelica likes to joke around with us a lot. A few nights ago we watched one of the Anaconda movies. So ridiculous. Yeah by the way, we have TV and a DVD player. Our house is a one room hut, but it’s warm (not too warm though) and dry. There are two queen sized beds with awesome mosquito nets, and the first night they told us the beds were for us and they would sleep on the floor…Alex and I immediately told them absolutely not, thank you so much, but they needed a bed.
I was really convicted the first night in Los Naranjos as I was walking to our house with my family and Alex…I was carrying my two backpacks—my packs that have made everyone say, “That’s ALL you’re taking for EIGHT MONTHS?”—and I was thinking about how heavy they are. And then I realized, walking next to my sister and Mom, that I probably have as much as they do in their whole house in those two bags. And it’s a lot more expensive. I don’t know. These people have so little and seem so happy. Sure they have to walk a while to get places, and they don’t having running water, but you know what, they have a toilet! And they have a place to shower (we use two buckets, it’s actually pretty nice). And they have food and a TV and movies and school. They seem happy.
And here I am with all my STUFF. We watched a documentary called The Corporation (I definitely recommend it—Jaron especially, you’ve got to see it), and we’ve been talking about how ridiculous our consumer culture is.
Anyway. Sorry for how disjointed this post is. I feel like these posts will only get worse, haha.
So yeah. I’m having a grand time. But please pray for endurance, patience, and positive attitudes as we’re planting. I’ve been drawn to 1 Corinthians since I’ve been gone, and God is teaching me a lot. Please pray that I would continue learning and digging deep in the Word. Also pray that I would have grace to be humble and bold with the gospel.
I miss ya’ll a lot! Sorry for the long post. But thanks for the prayers and concerns. I may have internet next weekend (I’ll be on my Independent Student Travel—probably to Banos). By the way! Everyone here is SUPER excited for my birthday tomorrow. No worries Mom, I will be well loved on my birthday. ☺

Pinto and Rain

Costa Rica. Home of beautiful beaches, whales, rainforest....LOTS of rain, and LOTS of PINTO!
Oh Pinto. It's become a little joke here. Every morning we had the same thing for breakfast--pinto (beans and rice) and eggs (scrambled or fried). Or we could have toast. We actually had a lot of options, it's just that pinto was a constant.
So I'm in San Jose right now. We fly out to Quito, Ecuador tomorrow where we'll be for a few days before heading to the Tsa'chila community in Los Naranjos. I'm super excited to meet my host family and to figure out who I'm staying with!
Costa Rica was a great way to start the trip. We had some great seminars and did some awesome things. After I last blogged, we went kayaking in the mangroves! So fun. My kayak partner was Mckinley and we had a grand time. Seriously, we probably had too much fun haha. We sang and laughed hysterically because we had to duck to not hit branches and we got stuck and there were bugs and it was so great.
We had a really neat ceremony last night. We lit candles and talked about what we hope to gain from this year, a powerful moment in Costa Rica, and someone we wanted to thank from our time in Costa Rica. We're already becoming like family, I think. I mean we'll definitely be family by the end of this. But it's been really fun having conversations and getting to know people.
Thanks to everyone who continues to lift me up in prayer--please continue to do so! I was able to listen to a sermon by David Platt today, which was great. It was on the freedom that comes from grace, which is something the Lord has really been showing me this week. He taught from Galatians 1, and I was so encouraged. Platt said that the gospel is FREE and that it is FREEING. Praise God! Because I don't talk openly about the details of what the Lord is teaching me, I've been journaling a lot. It's going to be really neat looking back at what God teaches me this year.
So anyway. Ecuador is going to be great. We're going to be doing reforestation--planting trees in the morning! So fun haha. And we'll be bathing in the river. Yayyyy! With snakes. I won't have a lot of internet in Ecuador. Sooo this is goodbye for now! Please pray for endurance; grace to love Christ, the gospel, and everyone here more; that I would be diligent in taking my malaria pills and in applying sunscreen (haha); and that I would be bold with the gospel.
I love you guys! You are all so wonderful, and I am really grateful for your support.
PS Check out my facebook for pictures!

The Gospel

“The saints’ delight is in Christ: He is their joy, their crown, their rejoicing, their life, food, health, strength, desire, righteousness, salvation, blessedness: without Him they have nothing; in Him they shall find all things. ‘God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ’ (Gal. 6:14). He has, from the foundation of the world, been the hope, expectation, desire, and delight of all believers.”

–John Owen, Communion with the Triune God, Eds. Kelly Kapic and Justin Taylor (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 1657/2007), 236.

quote courtesy of Tolle Lege, and John Owen of course.

"Avoid a sugared gospel as you would shun sugar of lead. Seek the gospel which rips up and tears and cuts and wounds and hacks and even kills, for that is the gospel that makes alive again. And when you have found it, give good heed to it. Let it enter into your inmost being. As the rain soaks into the ground, so pray the Lord to let his gospel soak into your soul." - Spurgeon

So this is it. I'm leaving tomorrow (today technically!). I am beyond excited. And it still won't sink in until I'm walking away from my family at RDU.
I have been completely packed. Repacked some tonight. I'm trying to stuff some last minute things into my carry-on (I swear, it's heavier than my big pack). Finished up readings as best I could. I'm getting nervous. Incredibly excited, but really started to realize the weight of what I'm doing.
But I am so grateful that I know John Owen's words are true: Christ is my delight, my salvation, my righteousness, my life. Without Him I have nothing, and in Him I find everything I could ever need or want. He fulfills every desire and provides immeasurable hope.
And you know...I still worry. I worry that I will trade the power and beauty of the gospel for other things. That before I know it, I won't recognize the gospel I believe in. And that it will be farther from the truth than I can imagine.
I'm not just worried about this because of my trip. I'd have these same concerns if I were heading off to college.
But the Lord has given me, and all my friends in college, and honestly every believer, the incredible opportunity to make choices and to be refined. So I am praying that I would make choices that glorify God and reflect the love of Christ. I'm praying that I would love every person I meet with a love that can only come from Christ. I am praying that this year, I would allow the gospel to soak into my soul like rain. That I would let it fill the places where it has torn away sin. That it would cause me to completely renounce myself and to only proclaim Christ. I'm praying that because of the gospel, I would desire to read and memorize Scripture so that I can sharpen my mind and heart. I'm praying that by God's grace, I would be bold with the gospel and live in light of eternity in each experience I have. And I'm praying that I would be continually grateful for the life God has blessed me with. I am amazed at the love I've been shown the past week saying goodbyes. My family, friends, and the Trinity community have gone out of their way to show me how much they care--I love all of you and I am glad to know each of you!
Anyway, I know that many of you will be praying these things with me--please know that I am grateful! I am blessed to have supportive friends and family who are also believers in Christ. The body of Christ is something that we should not take for granted, and I hope and pray that after this year I will treasure the church even more.
So here I go. I am leaving everything up to a God who already knows everything that will happen to me this year. He knows when I am going to rejoice, when I'm going to grieve, when I'm going to be lonely...But He is sovereign, and He is faithful.
I'll update here as soon as I can! Please pray for safety and health for the rest of my team: Rachel, Rayn, Eirann, Jon, Connor, Mckinley, Kasha, Mary, Lauren H., Luisa, Alexandra, Faith, Madeline, Lauren K., Jessie (leader), Scott (leader), Loren (leader).
I love you guys!! Thanks for everything--see you in eight months!! :)

"But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
--Isaiah 43:1-3a

Forget Me Not!

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately (obviously), music being one of them. I currently have about 10 CDs that I need to load onto my iTunes, and I just realized that I won't really be getting any new music until APRIL. Brooke Fraser's new album, Flags?? It'll have to wait. Won't be getting any new stuff from Coldplay or Ingrid Michaelson either.
But anyway. I'd never heard of The Civil Wars until like...last week when I heard they were doing a concert in downtown Raleigh. But I'd never heard any of their stuff, so I didn't go to the concert. But then I saw this video (which you should watch immediately) that my wonderful (and he would tell you favorite, of course) cousin Clayton posted on Facebook.....and now I'm just a tad obsessed.
I sort of hate people like that. Who are just that insanely talented and have voices that blend so well together. I mean I can sing and play some piano, but I just don't think I could create music like that. But it's too awesome for me to really hate them.
Anyway. I thought it was good enough to share with you good people.
I went and visited Trinity today (my old school, if you don't know). I took Joshua lunch--5 Guys. Yes, I was the cool sister today. Although Caitlin is definitely becoming much cooler since she's the one having his niece/nephew.
But yeah, it was weird. I had to sign in, and I wasn't wearing a polo (YAY!), and I sat and chatted with some of my favorite teachers while everyone else was in class.
I have to be honest, it was pretty awesome. I loved my time at Trinity (I could talk for hours about the great things I learned there), but it was just time. I am super excited to be an alum though. And I'm actually attending my first big TAR event tomorrow night! We finally have a gym (it's AWESOME)! And it's being dedicated tomorrow before the annual Back to School Picnic. Sarah Beth is coming over beforehand to help me figure out some packing stuff and then we're both going to the school for the evening. It will be great!
So yes. Life is good. I am incredibly blessed. Every time I visit Trinity, I'm reminded how grateful I should be to be surrounded by the body of Christ. It is so sweet to know that I am so loved and have so many people supporting me and praying for me. So thank you! God is good! :)