A letter to my dear friend:

[and perhaps, a letter to myself]
I've been thinking a lot about the ocean this week.
It's this constantly changing, very much living, thing. Its power is limitless. It lets no one pass through it without demonstrating its strength and immense beauty, its vastness & depth.
Your immense beauty, the depth of your compassion, the vastness of your strength--these are things that you deserve to show. Don't withhold them from anyone.
Be fearlessly yourself. Swim into the depths of your own dreams, knowing that when you come  back to the top, things will be so clear, so fresh, and so beautiful.
Don't be afraid to change. Day to day, you will experience high & low tides. This is called being human. The water will go in and out. Some days, the tide will be lower than others, but don't worry. It will always rise. It rises because of the constant pull of the moon; the constant pull of the things you value and love--those things will keep you afloat. They will pull you in the best direction of yourself.
Know that you hold beauty inside you. Beautiful things make their home inside your heart & mind, just like the beauty hidden beneath the waves of every ocean.
And love--you don't have to go very far or even very deep to find that beauty. It's there, just below the surface. It's aching to be seen, to be put on display.
Treasure that beauty like a prize everyone should want. Your compassion, your love for the world. Your creativity, your perspective, your selflessness--these are things that you should value.
You are vast & deep, strong & calm, bold & beautiful. Remember the ocean. Give yourself grace to plunge into your own depths. The things you will find there will surprise you, but they will not shock anyone who has already seen your own true & unique beauty. 

Harder Lessons, Deeper Love

It's been awhile since I posted something. School and life just consume me and my time. I've had too much fun goofing off with Maggie to find/write meaningful things.
That said, the past month has been incredibly difficult. Full of struggles and confusion, weariness and heavy boots (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close reference. Go read it. Now.).
I am still doubting and questioning. But so much of my doubt these days is directed at myself.
I am constantly asking whether or not I am good enough. For Davidson. For my family. For my friends. For anyone to love.
It consumes me. And I become fearful and anxious.
In the midst of a lot of turmoil this week (the details of which I will spare you), my heart was wrung and broken and frustrated and angry and so many different things. Old wounds and new wounds, opened and torn, exposed and ugly, hurting and bleeding.
I told a friend that these wounds never really seem to heal.
I probably sound really dramatic right now (which I am), but this is my heart, and it's the best way I know how to describe what I feel.
In times like this when I am so vulnerable and am just aching for some reassurance of hope and love, I am so hesitant to run toward Christ.
What is that about?
I won't ever understand it, except to say that my broken and sinful heart is untrusting and unfaithful. I cling to the hope that I will be good enough to fix things.
Tonight I grieved over my inadequacy, and that before everyone, and especially before God I will never be good enough.
And yet--as inadequate as I am--He loves me.
Purely. Simply. Completely. Perfectly. He knows I cannot return this love. Not in this life. But He loves me anyway. Beyond my comprehension.
And in Christ, I am made perfect. My inadequacy, my shortcomings are no longer a thought because He makes me righteous.
How quickly I forget these truths. I actually run away from them. But like the perfect Father, Husband, and Spirit that He is, God pursues me. I know that He loves me as a Father--I am a beautiful daughter, one whom He created lovingly. I know He loves me as a husband should--I am part of the beautiful body of Christ, His bride. And I know that His Spirit, that Being which knows God's innermost thoughts, loves me and interceded for me tonight when I could not move my heart to pray. He spoke to me in my weakness and reminded me of the immeasurable, unrestrained grace and love of God. A dear friend reminded me tonight (praise God for faithful friends!) that "the love of God is stronger." He is stronger than my weakness, His grace is sufficient in my weakness, and His love preserves me.
So humbled and grateful.

"As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me;
Your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!"
--Psalm 40:11

Confession

The church I've been going to here always has a confession of sin that we read together as a congregation.  I've really valued this in my experience at this church--I cannot hide my sins from those around me. They cannot hide their sins from me. We confess publicly; we confess together. And after we confess, we read an assurance of pardon--we have abundant grace and the constant promise of forgiveness from Christ. It is such an encouragement, and I love that I am able to go through this process of confession and assurance with my congregation.
This was the confession from last week. The Lord used it to convict me of what I've been struggling with lately:

"Heavenly Father, we lack faith. Our faith in your will drifts.

We doubt the perfection of your plan for the world and for our lives. We grow skeptical of the goodness of your will. We struggle to believe you truly have a good purpose, [working through] every evil thing that has happened, or ever will.

Holy Spirit, we lack faith. Our faith in your power wanes.

We doubt your ability to make real change in the world and in our lives. We grow skeptical of your ability to work miraculously. We struggle to believe you can penetrate the hearts of our lost friends and family.

Christ Jesus, we lack faith. Our faith in your grace fades.

We doubt the scope of your redemptive work in the world and in our lives. We grow skeptical of your real and present intercession on our behalf. We struggle to believe that you will return for us.

Forgive us, God, for we lack faith."

I would emphasize that I doubt God's goodness. Constantly. As I consider the struggles of my life, the struggles of the people I have met around the world, God's goodness, His perfect love become less and less real. Less tangible, less true. I wonder if I am placing my faith in empty words and promises. I desire to simply run, to hide, to cling to my efforts to be something and do good things.

I lack faith. I am faithless.

But I was so encouraged by the assurance of pardon. It comes from part of 2 Timothy 2:13. Normally, I'm not a fan of pulling parts of verses out of context, but there is so much truth in this statement:

"Even if we are faithless, He remains faithful."

God is constantly pursuing my doubting heart, running after me, even as I run away from Him. He waits patiently, even when I am impatient with Him. He loves even when I do not love him. He loves perfectly, as my Father, my Savior, my Rock, the Founder, the Perfecter of my faith. A sweet friend has been encouraging me that He will be faithful to complete the good work that he began in my life (Philippians 1:6).

I am grateful for this today.
Praying for grace to be continually thankful and to remember God's constant goodness and love toward me.

Children of God

I love Third Day. Classic stuff.
Grateful for this truth today.

Collage

My kids.

Reminder

Life has been weird lately.
I haven't exactly felt like myself for one reason or another, and I'm pretty complacent about it these days. I am kind of okay with this fading into the background of life, this feeling of apathy.
It's a sort of numbness, to be honest.
And then God, using my friend Alex, who by the way is not a believer, wakes me up.
He does it subtly. He hasn't yelled at me through Alex. He has just said, "Hey. Remember me? I made you. I have loved you. I died for you. And I have redeemed you.
Remember me."

I don't usually like talking about God in such conversational ways or putting words like that in his mouth, because he is so much greater than just a "hey, remember me?" But something that he has graciously brought to my mind this summer is that I am his daughter. I am a part of God's family, adopted into his church, a co-heir with Christ. So while he is my Lord and King, completely sovereign, Creator of the world....he is also my Father. My friend. My strength and my refuge. My portion, deliverer.
But ultimately he's my Savior.
And oh how I need a Savior!

He is faithful and good.
What a beautiful life we have in Christ!

I miss....

...a lot of things. But today it's these boys.
Ryan is the one down front, then Deacon in the grey, Nazim in the middle, Dino on the right, and Macwin up in the top left.
Oooh I love them.

Lessons in Love

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
To love is to be vulnerable.”
—C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

My mom wrote this in my awesome journal recently (she made it before I left and had my friends and family write in it--something from someone for every day--Sept. 8th through April 29th!). When I came across it on the day she wrote it, I fully understood what C.S. Lewis meant and why my mom wrote it in my journal. This quote was so fitting for this entire year, especially from South Africa on.
I have met some truly amazing people this year, and I'm going to list all of them (mainly for my sake, so bear with me): Angelica, Carlos, Nayely, Andy, Shaxi host parents, Alek, Amit, Mohit, Marie, Sindiswa, Mandy, Dee, Katie, Shaneen, Angone, Shuerea, Lushea, Amonique, Ashelita, Angelique, Kattou, Susie, Francisca, Shanise, Lauren, Emily, Celeste, Deacon, Dino, Ryan, Eugene, Macwin, Nazim, Ricardo, Axhamile, Lucipo, Whitney, Anaschka, Imo, Analo, Yollo, Inga, Luciano, Victor, Abel, Aunt Letty, the sweet "thumbs-up" lady, Asenathe, Michael......not to mention my incredible TBB family--Alex, Mckinley, Kasha, Jon, Rayn, Connor, Mary, Rachel, Eirann, Lauren, Faith, Luisa, Maddie, Jessie, Lorena, Scott, Andrea, Robin....I think that's everyone but geez the list could go on!
I will have you know that I love, and I truly mean I love each person I listed. They are from all different countries and walks of life.
I'm having trouble articulating what I learned and what I want people to realize...
I think Lewis summed it up so well: love, and you'll likely be hurt. Your heart will be ripped, crushed, everything short of being destroyed.
I know this. We all do. It is becoming ever so clear to me this year, as I experience one heartbreak after another.
But at the same time, I've honestly realized that the most significant lesson I've learned over this year (I apologize if you think this sounds cheesy) is love.
To love is the most important calling I have in life.
What else could bring more glory to God than loving Christ above all and loving each and every human I encounter? What else could be more rewarding than sharing my heart, than giving to people? And what else could have more of an impact on me and those around me?
This is our calling. It's fairly explicit in the Scriptures that love is the highest command (Matt. 22:34-40). And Lewis' quote is not an original idea--Paul says as much in 1 Corinthians 13. And the gospel is love. In its purest form. And what a beautiful thing it is! Oh that we had a little more of that in the world!
And something I have been challenged with as a believer this year is having genuine love for people and allowing that true, deep, and Christ-given love to motivate my actions.
I believe that Christians often share the gospel out of obligation.
I know. I said it. It sounds awful. But stick with me here: I find myself thinking frequently that I should share the gospel with so-and-so. That I should be living a life of love toward people.
And that's true; I'm not wrong in thinking that. But I really don't think should  is good enough. Because when I should be doing something....well it becomes a matter of DOING something, and that is not the gospel.
I'm not entirely sure how clear this is turning out, but in the end I am trying to say to myself and to you, whoever you are:
Love. It will be difficult and exhausting. And your heart will be wounded; people will disappoint, betray, and hurt. But Christians and non-Christians alike--there is nothing more important, nor anything more beautiful than pouring out your life in love and service to those around you. That is the picture of the gospel. That is possibly more effective than any sermon, bible study, worship service, or mission trip.
Love. I can only pray that God will continue to give grace for my heart to be vulnerable, torn, beaten, and stripped bare. I would rather endure that pain (as Christ did out of his endless love for me) than anything else in the world because love is the greatest gift anyone could ever receive. And I can joyfully give thanks to God that I received the truest gift of love in Christ.
Praise the Lord.

Love

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” ~Louis de Bernieres (Captain Corelli's Mandolin)