Harder Lessons, Deeper Love

It's been awhile since I posted something. School and life just consume me and my time. I've had too much fun goofing off with Maggie to find/write meaningful things.
That said, the past month has been incredibly difficult. Full of struggles and confusion, weariness and heavy boots (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close reference. Go read it. Now.).
I am still doubting and questioning. But so much of my doubt these days is directed at myself.
I am constantly asking whether or not I am good enough. For Davidson. For my family. For my friends. For anyone to love.
It consumes me. And I become fearful and anxious.
In the midst of a lot of turmoil this week (the details of which I will spare you), my heart was wrung and broken and frustrated and angry and so many different things. Old wounds and new wounds, opened and torn, exposed and ugly, hurting and bleeding.
I told a friend that these wounds never really seem to heal.
I probably sound really dramatic right now (which I am), but this is my heart, and it's the best way I know how to describe what I feel.
In times like this when I am so vulnerable and am just aching for some reassurance of hope and love, I am so hesitant to run toward Christ.
What is that about?
I won't ever understand it, except to say that my broken and sinful heart is untrusting and unfaithful. I cling to the hope that I will be good enough to fix things.
Tonight I grieved over my inadequacy, and that before everyone, and especially before God I will never be good enough.
And yet--as inadequate as I am--He loves me.
Purely. Simply. Completely. Perfectly. He knows I cannot return this love. Not in this life. But He loves me anyway. Beyond my comprehension.
And in Christ, I am made perfect. My inadequacy, my shortcomings are no longer a thought because He makes me righteous.
How quickly I forget these truths. I actually run away from them. But like the perfect Father, Husband, and Spirit that He is, God pursues me. I know that He loves me as a Father--I am a beautiful daughter, one whom He created lovingly. I know He loves me as a husband should--I am part of the beautiful body of Christ, His bride. And I know that His Spirit, that Being which knows God's innermost thoughts, loves me and interceded for me tonight when I could not move my heart to pray. He spoke to me in my weakness and reminded me of the immeasurable, unrestrained grace and love of God. A dear friend reminded me tonight (praise God for faithful friends!) that "the love of God is stronger." He is stronger than my weakness, His grace is sufficient in my weakness, and His love preserves me.
So humbled and grateful.

"As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me;
Your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!"
--Psalm 40:11

Grace

Life in Plett has continued to be full and busy since my last post. We are looking at our last seminar on Monday as well as the last week of work. Only two more weeks here in Plett, and only three left in South Africa.

Time is flying.

I am finding as I work on my media project (a composition of personal writing pieces based on my thoughts and experiences here) that there is a lot for me to process here. A lot more than I anticipated after being here for a couple weeks. I don’t really know where to begin or what it is that I want to communicate about my time here.

I guess I’ll just put it simply: there is great need here. I saw greater poverty in India for sure, but I believe I see greater suffering here in South Africa. And that is what makes it so difficult. There is a need for better healthcare for everyone in the townships. People need treatment, and they need it to be easily accessible. That’s a difficult task for the tiny, understaffed clinics that are packed full of patients. There is a need for jobs—unemployment is a huge problem here. There just aren’t enough jobs.

It takes a lot out of you, working here. And I feel as though I don’t even have the difficult lot. Many of my friends see multiple HIV/AIDS patients every week. I only have one HIV patient who is 2 years old and whom we visit only once a month. While I am seeing suffering, I would say it is relatively less than what my friends are seeing each day.

And yet it is still difficult. I talked to a friend here who made me ask myself, “What if these were my friends and family struggling to get care?” For my aunt who had lymphoma, there would have been nothing the doctors could do. For my Granddaddy who gave up smoking, he would have died a long and even more painful death. My Granny, who suffered from Alzheimer’s would have wasted away without the same care that she received in the States.

It’s hard to think about, but that is the reality for these people.

Since Cambodia, and all throughout India, I asked myself, “Why? Why them, and not me, God?’ I could just as easily have been born in Kurland village, have several siblings, and a father who drinks away any money we have. So why wasn’t I? I could be a street kid in Jaipur begging for money every day. I could be a landmine victim in Cambodia who has to work in the rice paddies every day.

Why them and not me?

I’m not writing this to say that I have all the answers, because I most certainly do not. But I have come to realize that all I can do to answer or find peace in these questions is trust in and rely on God’s grace. It is by his grace that I discovered it was about his grace. In India I was seriously struggling with this issue. I sent an email to my mom who forwarded it to friends and family, and I shared my struggles. I was overwhelmed by responses from people who have asked the same questions and have continually found God faithful. I wept as I realized that God did not have to extend grace to me, but he did—praise God! And while I may not understand why I am so blessed in so many ways, I do know that God is always good and that his ways and plans are perfect.

So as difficult as it is to be confronted with suffering here, I am choosing to trust in my good and sovereign God. I was reminded yesterday that his grace is limitless. Unlike my ability to keep going through trials, God’s grace doesn’t only go “so far.” It abounds, it overflows, it is always there. And he will not cease to give us his grace.

I hope you are resting in the grace of Christ. It is a glorious place to be.

Oh and thank you to all of my friends and family who sent me those sweet responses when I was in India—God used them so much to calm my heart, and I am so grateful that I know each and every one of you. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to thank you, but I suppose it’s better late than never.