Harder Lessons, Deeper Love

It's been awhile since I posted something. School and life just consume me and my time. I've had too much fun goofing off with Maggie to find/write meaningful things.
That said, the past month has been incredibly difficult. Full of struggles and confusion, weariness and heavy boots (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close reference. Go read it. Now.).
I am still doubting and questioning. But so much of my doubt these days is directed at myself.
I am constantly asking whether or not I am good enough. For Davidson. For my family. For my friends. For anyone to love.
It consumes me. And I become fearful and anxious.
In the midst of a lot of turmoil this week (the details of which I will spare you), my heart was wrung and broken and frustrated and angry and so many different things. Old wounds and new wounds, opened and torn, exposed and ugly, hurting and bleeding.
I told a friend that these wounds never really seem to heal.
I probably sound really dramatic right now (which I am), but this is my heart, and it's the best way I know how to describe what I feel.
In times like this when I am so vulnerable and am just aching for some reassurance of hope and love, I am so hesitant to run toward Christ.
What is that about?
I won't ever understand it, except to say that my broken and sinful heart is untrusting and unfaithful. I cling to the hope that I will be good enough to fix things.
Tonight I grieved over my inadequacy, and that before everyone, and especially before God I will never be good enough.
And yet--as inadequate as I am--He loves me.
Purely. Simply. Completely. Perfectly. He knows I cannot return this love. Not in this life. But He loves me anyway. Beyond my comprehension.
And in Christ, I am made perfect. My inadequacy, my shortcomings are no longer a thought because He makes me righteous.
How quickly I forget these truths. I actually run away from them. But like the perfect Father, Husband, and Spirit that He is, God pursues me. I know that He loves me as a Father--I am a beautiful daughter, one whom He created lovingly. I know He loves me as a husband should--I am part of the beautiful body of Christ, His bride. And I know that His Spirit, that Being which knows God's innermost thoughts, loves me and interceded for me tonight when I could not move my heart to pray. He spoke to me in my weakness and reminded me of the immeasurable, unrestrained grace and love of God. A dear friend reminded me tonight (praise God for faithful friends!) that "the love of God is stronger." He is stronger than my weakness, His grace is sufficient in my weakness, and His love preserves me.
So humbled and grateful.

"As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me;
Your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!"
--Psalm 40:11

Confession

The church I've been going to here always has a confession of sin that we read together as a congregation.  I've really valued this in my experience at this church--I cannot hide my sins from those around me. They cannot hide their sins from me. We confess publicly; we confess together. And after we confess, we read an assurance of pardon--we have abundant grace and the constant promise of forgiveness from Christ. It is such an encouragement, and I love that I am able to go through this process of confession and assurance with my congregation.
This was the confession from last week. The Lord used it to convict me of what I've been struggling with lately:

"Heavenly Father, we lack faith. Our faith in your will drifts.

We doubt the perfection of your plan for the world and for our lives. We grow skeptical of the goodness of your will. We struggle to believe you truly have a good purpose, [working through] every evil thing that has happened, or ever will.

Holy Spirit, we lack faith. Our faith in your power wanes.

We doubt your ability to make real change in the world and in our lives. We grow skeptical of your ability to work miraculously. We struggle to believe you can penetrate the hearts of our lost friends and family.

Christ Jesus, we lack faith. Our faith in your grace fades.

We doubt the scope of your redemptive work in the world and in our lives. We grow skeptical of your real and present intercession on our behalf. We struggle to believe that you will return for us.

Forgive us, God, for we lack faith."

I would emphasize that I doubt God's goodness. Constantly. As I consider the struggles of my life, the struggles of the people I have met around the world, God's goodness, His perfect love become less and less real. Less tangible, less true. I wonder if I am placing my faith in empty words and promises. I desire to simply run, to hide, to cling to my efforts to be something and do good things.

I lack faith. I am faithless.

But I was so encouraged by the assurance of pardon. It comes from part of 2 Timothy 2:13. Normally, I'm not a fan of pulling parts of verses out of context, but there is so much truth in this statement:

"Even if we are faithless, He remains faithful."

God is constantly pursuing my doubting heart, running after me, even as I run away from Him. He waits patiently, even when I am impatient with Him. He loves even when I do not love him. He loves perfectly, as my Father, my Savior, my Rock, the Founder, the Perfecter of my faith. A sweet friend has been encouraging me that He will be faithful to complete the good work that he began in my life (Philippians 1:6).

I am grateful for this today.
Praying for grace to be continually thankful and to remember God's constant goodness and love toward me.

A Blessing

I've been a terrible blogger, for those few of you who read this thang.

At the start of the school year, and even throughout the summer, I was able to be a resource for the students going on this year's Global Gap Year (GGY) with Thinking Beyond Borders. There are two GGY groups this year as well as a Gap Semester group in Ecuador, which is so exciting! More driven and bright students who want to learn about creating change on a local and global scale. Anyway, some students emailed me with questions and concerns, and I attempted to allay those concerns and answer their questions from my experience with TBB. It was such a neat thing, reflecting on my journey and really beginning to understand the gravity of what we did.

I did a huge thing.

I took a trip around the world! For eight months! It's amazing how quickly I make that seem like no big deal.

But anyway, I keep receiving emails and updates from Robin, and my TBB group has a thread going on Facebook that's particularly active right now. I am just realizing what a rare community I am a part of: people who genuinely care, who work and think hard, not for themselves, but for the sake of others.

What a beautiful picture of God's grace and how we are created in His image! 

I am so blessed to have had this opportunity. And it just makes me more excited for whatever it is that I end up doing in life. The Lord has made it clear in the past few weeks that I can use my passions and talents as a way to give people a voice--to share their stories with the world in ways that will affect lasting change.

I don't really know the details surrounding that yet, but the Lord is gracious and he provides, so I'll figure it out eventually.

Basically, I'm just thrilled to be a part of something like TBB. That trip truly changed my life in so many ways. I think differently now, I question everything--but not in a maddening way. I question the way things are done because I am always wondering if there is a better way. And I find that I am more willing to take on a challenge; if I believe in something, I'll stop at nothing to get it done. That is all attributed, by God's grace, to Thinking Beyond Borders. TBB stretched me, pushed me, infuriated me, and ultimately allowed me to see exactly what it is I am capable of: anything I put my mind to.

So. I'm excited to say I've found some students here at Davidson who are like-minded; they believe in the power of youth creating change and of real, grassroots level work. We are beginning a youth-service initiative here in Davidson, and things are moving fairly quickly. I don't want to spoil anything, but once we really get things up and running, I will post something more in depth about that project.

(Get excited. It's gonna be awesome.)

Also. I'll be posting soon about college in general and the adventures I've had the past couple months.

Thanks for reading this long, rambling post. And I have to say thanks to Mrs. Dougherty, who found TBB for me and encouraged me to take a gap year--I would not be where I am without you! Thanks to Robin, Chris, Andrea, and my awesome PLs for your vision and everything you do to serve all the TBB students. Just know that I am so grateful to be a part of such a passionate and inspiring community.

Blessed.

Also. I was looking through pics from TBB. Here are some highlights:

 Me and Colin

 Ecuador host family and Alex

 Inca Trail budsss

 This was a random Indian family who wanted a picture with us at the Taj!

 The girls with Scott at the top of the cathedral in Quito. I miss them!

 First ride to Los Naranjos--in the back of the truck. Yes please.

 You know, just jumping on the Great Wall with the girls.

 Laughing at a fort in India. Love these girls.

 Looking ridiculous on the Inca Trail on Halloween. Raynie, I miss you!

Sweet friends. In freezing cold China.

Thanks for stopping by! :)

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

As Mary Bryan would say....

...

....this friend speaks my mind.

Mary went to a Quaker school, and informed all of us on TBB that when someone says something, and you agree, have nothing to add, or couldn't say it better, you say, "This friend speaks my mind."

I love that phrase. So thanks, Mary. (Btdubs, you should check out Mary's blog. It's awesome. I love the way she writes.)

Anyway. My good friend, Jaron, sent this video to me. So thanks, Jaron. All of that to say (again), this friend (Sir Ken Robinson) very much speaks my mind.

These Will Be My Friends Next Year....

Guess I should spend my J.Crew giftcard soon. Gotta get ready to dress like the best. Davidson College, here I come! :)

Myths About Introverts

I found this on my dear friend Kristin's blog, but it's actually from my other dear friend Emma's blog. Anyway, they both have really fun blogs, and I love seeing what they post. This, however, I could really relate to as an introvert.
I found that it's all 100% true for me......eerily so.
Sooo yeah enjoy! :)

Ask yourself once...Ask yourself twice...Ask yourself three times...**

Here are some questions I've been asking myself about food. I'd encourage you to consider them for you and your family as well. I still don't know the answers to most of these questions--they will require a lot of research for me when i get home. But i think they're important questions to ask!

1. Where does my food come from?
-if I get it at the grocery store, it's likely being imported to the store--meaning that there are severe environmental impacts when they ship it here--SO
2. What can I get locally? And what would be the benefits of getting my food locally?
-i've realized that it supports local, small-scale farmers; AND it has less of an environmental impact (not as much transportation, meaning less fuel used, etc.)
-if i get my food locally, it's building community--a relationship with the farmer and perhaps other regulars at a farmer's market
-as a believer, i think those relationships could lead to sweet friendships and GREAT opportunity for the gospel--that's something i couldn't get if i'm getting my vegetables from a farmer in Chile!
3. When asking WHERE food is grown, you also have to ask HOW is my food grown?? (This obviously relates primarily to fruits and veggies)
-is my food being sprayed with pesticides? Are farmers using chemical fertilizer?
-if you eat locally, it's easier to figure out what your farmer is using on his crops.
4. What are the benefits/harms of pesticides and chemical fertilizers?
-do the benefits (more food and faster) outweigh the damage it could/does do to my body?
5. Where does my meat come from/how is it fed?
-is it grass-fed? (did you know that the majority of US cows are fed corn--cows don't even naturally eat corn)
-are the animals given hormones to make them grow faster?
-is my meat being treated humanely?
okay, with this one, you may be saying, "I don't care how it's treated, I just want meat." BUT in my readings here, it's generally shown that places where the animals are grass-fed/free range and are treated better produce better meat. Also, you have to ask:
-as a part of God's creation, don't animals deserve a little better? And as stewards and caretakers of God's creation, shouldn't we be ensuring that we treat God's creatures well--without giving them things that aren't natural and that could potentially bring harm to OUR bodies?
6. What is my responsibility as a Christian to ensure that I am being a good steward of God's creation? And what does that mean for my life with regard to food?
7. What is my aversion to eating organically grown or prepared food? Is it because I'm uncomfortable with the changes it would make to my lifestyle? Or is it because I consider organic food to be the realm of "hippy liberals?"
8. HOW can I become a responsible steward of the creation around me? and how can I change my lifestyle to support more sustainable practices of growing/producing food?



**The title of this post is a shoutout to the TAR class of 2010. Don't you miss Mrs. Cox?? :D